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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The
balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

A little fella walks into a bar.  Unfortunately for him, there is
a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and
falls over.  He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and
buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar.  He slips in the same pile
of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.

Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the
big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did
that."

The big guy punched him in the mouth.

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his
anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes.
Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician
that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in
that time."

"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.  They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again.  The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
 They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
then as these numbers began to light in reverse order.  The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son, "Go get your Mother."

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him
put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the
still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his
dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not
willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and
says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks
your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and
asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for
my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." 

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead 
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buck`s Irregular
Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

1.  Home is where you hang your @

2.  The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3.  A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4.  You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5.  Great groups from little icons grow.

6.  Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7.  C:\ is the root of all directories.

8.  Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9.  Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10.  The modem is the message.

11.  Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12.  The geek shall inherit the earth.

13.  A chat has nine lives.

14.  Don't byte off more than you can view.

15.  Fax is stranger than fiction.

16.  What boots up must come down.

17.  Windows will never cease.

18.  In Gates we trust.

19.  Virtual reality is its own reward.

20.  Modulation in all things.

21.  A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22.  There's no place like home.com!

23.  Know what to expect before you connect.

24.  Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

25.  Speed thrills.

26.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks
into a bar.  She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy
armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and
asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on
the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a
drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.  After
she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit
and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and
says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" 
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to
buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I’m in the management training program.

I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan
(SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me
attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed
about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work
related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice
Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!

I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens
without my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot.

Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were
trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."

The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while.
Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next
expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started
laughing.  The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. 
You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "Not if you go at night.  DUH!"

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the
dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.  The
parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was
happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing
extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the
room, the children left. 

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence
at the table, during which one child was heard to say, 
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he
owed $0.00.  He ignored it and threw it away.  In April he
received another and threw that one away too.  The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating
they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00
by return of post.  He called them and talked to them about the
problem.  They said it was a computer error and told him they'd
take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that
he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there
were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous
predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card
had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer
error once again and said that they would take care of it.  The
next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue.  Having spoken to the credit card company the previous
day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play
the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. 
The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement.
It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at
all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00.  After a lengthy explanation the
bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail.  The bank could not now process ANY
checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for
$0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit
card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now
owed them $0.00.  Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return
of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
their anniversary, bought her a typewriter.

A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with
one drummer.  He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,
and performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician
just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given
help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and
make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he
can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make
him a conductor." 

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk,
and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to
drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and
could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A
few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of
the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The
bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly,
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all
the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK
door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his
wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over
and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will
be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be
called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless
anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. 
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible.  What's
the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Man, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
$50,000."

"Wow.  Two parents gone in two months.  No wonder you're
depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?  That's
horrible!"

"Then this month..." continued the friend, "Nothing.  Not a
single dime!"

A man took his wife to a Broadway show.  During the first
intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he
hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the restrooms, but instead all he found
was a beautiful fountain with foliage.  Nobody was watching, so
he decided to take a leak right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had
already begun.  He searched in the dark until he found his wife.
"Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far
from his destination.  He decided to stop at the next city he
came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two
of sleep.  As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose
happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.  No
sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking
on his window.  He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"  The
man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."  The jogger
said thanks and left.  The man settled back again, and was just
dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another
jogger.

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left.  Now the man could see other
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.  To avoid the problem, he got
out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do
not know the time!"  Once again he settled back to sleep.  He was
just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Once upon a time, there were four people;

Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was
Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized
that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done in the first place.